Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! Today is a day to celebrate talking like a pirate. So argghh and avast ye mateys, before I make ye walk the plank, I gots a very special treat in store; the first scene from the first draft to a pirate play I started writing last January and kind of put on the back burner for awhile.
I’d love to know what you think of The Princess And The Pirate
ACT I Scene 1 At rise, we join a play already in progress. overly dramatic music swells. Princess Appleseed is tied to mast of a pirate ship! Long John Silver is leering at her lecherously. The Sprouts (Baby Carrot, Baby Spinach, Baby Asparagus(?)) are crouched behind the Princess in obvious fright. The Cheeseballs (Ronald, Wendy, R.B., Tim Horton, and the Johns [Papa and Taco]) are behind Silver shaking their swords menacingly. OH NO! What is going to happen to our lovely Princess? This is supposed to be a very dramatic scene, but everyone is flat, without enthusiasm or energy. Basically, it’s the worst rehearsal you’ve ever been in. Everyone is dressed in Victorian style pirate wear. Eye patches, parrots, big flowing skirts with miles and miles of petticoats. None of this however is helping with the acting. PRINCESS APPLESEED (overly dramatic, think the worst Shakespeare actor you’ve ever seen who thinks they are good) Oh no!, whoever shall rescue me SPROUTS Oh if only Captain Protein was here. he’d rescue us. LONG JOHN SILVER (Stereotypical bad pirate here) Arggh, shut yer pie holes ye blasted do gooders. Now mateys, we have captured the lovely Princess Appleseed and her sproutlings, what shall we do with them? RONALD Wrap them in bacon! WENDY Dip them batter! R.B. Fry them in grease! TIM HORTON (stepping in and speaking over Papa John) And serve ’em with gravy eh! Beat as everyone pauses and looks at Tim. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2. TIM HORTON (continued) What? I’m Canadian eh, we serve just aboot everything with gravy. PAPA JOHN Well... (pauses as he thinks about how to answer this, as if searching for the lines) We’re American TACO JOHN and we’ll DIP THEM IN RANCH! This is the most enthusiasm shown so far. Papa John, realizing their on to something begins to chant. THE JOHNS (Papa and Taco) USA! USA! USA! They begin to encourage the rest of the cast mates to do the same and the audience as well. Papa looks to Taco and as if by symbiosis, change up their chant. THE JOHNS DIP IN RANCH! DIP IN RANCH! DIP IN RANCH! This should come across and feel very natural. As if the actors are making this up on the spot. That they’ve forgotten their lines and have decided, with much enthusiasm, to ad-lib their lines. PRINCESS APPLESEED (stage whisper) would you two shut up! (back to overly dramatic, very bad Shakespeare style acting) Oh No! Alas who shall ever save Princess Appleseed and her sprouts from being... (long beat) OVERCOME! There is a trumpet fanfare and out leaps...CAPTAIN PROTEIN. For some strange reason we have been joined by a SUPERHERO! Shorts over tights. Tennis shoes and a short sleeved tee shirt over a long sleeved tee shirt along with a black domino mask complete the ensemble. A pair of chicken drumsticks make his nunchuck weapon. It is, by far, the worst superhero costume known to man. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3. CAPTAIN PROTEIN (in the worst British accent this side of Keanu Reeves in Dracula) I shall save you Princess Appleseed. You and Your Sprouts! SPROUTS OUR HERO! LONG JOHN SILVER Not by the seeds of my hamburger bun. Stop him boys! What follows is the worst fight scene known to man. This should make the 1960s Batman TV show look like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Missed punches that send pirates flying left and right. Kicks that make no sense. Captain Protein is even shouting "Pow" "Swat" "Smack" "Pop", etc. as he is hitting the pirate crew ala 1960s Batman TV show. CAPTAIN PROTEIN It’s just you and me now Silver LONG JOHN SILVER To the DEATH! CAPTAIN PROTEIN No! To Your Health! The two begin to fight and this fight is even worse then the previous one. Again this should be the worst stage fight anyone has ever seen in their life. Overly dramatic and makes no sense. But finally, Captain Protein defeats Long John Silver, and unties Princess Appleseed. The sprouts cheer and Protein tries to embrace Appleseed, but she isn’t having any of it and does the quickest side hug she can.
I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave them in the comment section below, this is meant to be a very broad, very over the top production for children to perform and for children in the audience.
And keep checking back later today for Wednesdays With Will and the 1983 BBC version of Pericles, Prince of Tyre (A Shakespeare play that, yes, features pirates)